I Ate This

Dunkin-Donuts-756x250Recently, I did something extraordinary. On what to most people was just an average Tuesday, I looked death in the face and took a big bite out of life. I woke up and decided that I, like America, needed to run on Dunkin. Little did I know that I wasn’t just going to run, I was going to break a world record and win a gold meal at the Olympics. For Dunkin Donuts is now selling a glazed donut breakfast sandwich – a bacon and egg sandwich betwixt a glazed donut instead of a bagel. Yes, you read that right.

It called to me as soon as I walked through the doors. I approached the counter tentatively. I ordered a medium coffee, black, and the paused. I had a choice, to get a simple donut or bacon egg and cheese, or to carpe diem, and instead order a glazed donut breakfast sandwich? Was I content with just breaking my fast, or did I want to boldly, perhaps even dangerously, shatter my fast into a million pieces?

In that moment I thought about the future. I pictured myself an old man, with the vast majority of my life behind me. Did I want to look back and think about that time I almost accomplished something with my life? That time I almost lived?

No. I knew then what I had to do.

“And one glazed donut breakfast sandwich,” I said. The man behind the counter seemed uninterested. To be honest, I was expecting some sort of reaction. Ideally he would have expressed an awed sense of reverence at my bravery, but I would have taken disgust. It was almost as if he did not care, and was just selling a customer yet another sandwich. But that couldn’t have been it. No, instead, he just knew that there were no words, or even emotions, that could capture what I was about to do.

I had prepared myself for this sandwich. I feared no man or god. With clear eyes and a full heart, I took my glazed donut sandwich out of its wrapper and into my hands. Trembling, I raised them towards my mouth; ready to accept what I now knew was my destiny. The world grew quiet as I took a bite.

*  *  *

It was okay.

That’s really about it. It tasted like a slightly more substantial glazed donut with a nice bacon accents. I can honestly say I never understood why people, at least the people in the newsroom I work in, were so up in arms about this. I have, on multiple occasions, gone to Dunkin Donuts and purchased a bacon egg and cheese and a donut. And I have eaten them. The glazed donut sandwich is more efficient, and doesn’t have whatever Dunkin calls “cheese” on it (which is good, because it totally wouldn’t have fit in with the rest of the tastes.) This sandwich isn’t combing two wholly separate types of cuisine into one frankenfood monstrosity; it’s just another breakfast sandwich. One that’s, honestly, not that much worse for you than a typical Dunkin breakfast. I don’t care if I never eat this sandwich again, but I don’t feel the need to avoid it. I tried it for the story, and it ended up being bland enough that there really was no story, as evidenced by this article.

I have nothing else to add.