Quote: “If It Isn’t FIRMLY Bolted To The Ground, it is Free For the Taking.”
COLLEGE IS A SCAVENGER HUNT DEPT.
(FORMER SITE OF THE LIBRARY) Students and faculty alike awoke last Sunday morning to find that the Burke Library, a longstanding fixture and eyesore on campus, had been stolen.
The culprits were found to be the residents of Milbank 44, who currently have the library in their common room along with a sign for the KJ Auditorium, a pepperoni from McEwen, and a scooter that belonged to former Dean Urgo.
Tim Broman ’12 was the brains behind this daring drunken heist. “We were walking out of a rager in Carnegie,” Broman said, “when I walked by the library and thought that it would look good in my room next to my Dave Matthews Band Poster.”
Broman and his friends were able to take the library to Milbank without incident. “We were really quiet when we did it thought,” Broman added. “Y’know, cause it’s a library.”
One of Broman’s roommates, Don Duquesne ’12 added, “This is better than that time we went suite shopping and we stole that guy’s Mercedes.”
When asked why they wanted to steal these things in the first place, the Milbank 44 roommates were at a loss for an answer, though undiagnosed kleptomania is a likely cause.
Hamilton College has a long history of theft. The first instance dates back to the school’s establishment, when the founders stole a lot of Native American land.
Hamilton was also implicit with the theft of Kirkland College, hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition, and Jessica Mintle ‘14’s innocence.
When asked about and potential disciplinary action the Milbank 44 crew would be getting for the theft of the library, campus spokesman John Nitterman jr. remarked that “Getting new library will be really expensive, but at least we don’t have to look at that ugly carpet anymore. I’m calling this one a wash.”