The Burr-Hamilton Beruit Duel
Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton were both founding brothers of their fraternity. One night Burr and Hamilton got into an argument of epic proportions, after Burr accused Hamilton of calling him a “chode-monkey” behind his back. Also, Burr called the game “beer pong,” which is totally wrong.
When it was time for the duel, Hamilton, being a noble person at heart, had decided not to go through with the duel. He was better than that – they were better than that. Instead of ruining Burr’s day, Hamilton gave up his chance to shoot, and rolled the balls to Burr as a gesture of good faith. What he didn’t know was that Aaron Burr was a gigantic asshole. As soon as he had the balls, Burr unleashed a torrent of bounce shots, runbacks, elbow violations, and dick moves. Hamilton had no chance to recover, and the world lost a great man that day.
There had been double majors before. There had even been rumors of a fabled triple major. But until Martin Luther there had never been a ninety-quintuple major. An over achiever from the start, Martin may have bit off a bit more than he could chew when he decided to enroll in the entire course catalogue. He pulled thirty-two consecutive all-nighters, drank enough caffeine to kill a bull elephant, and consumed so much Adderall that he could “see” time.
Finally, all ninety-five of his theses were done. Martin nailed his work to the door of his advisor’s office, and then went into a sleep-deprivation coma. Unfortunately, one of his ninety-five majors was in communications, which made the rest of them a joke by association.
The Discovery of America
Europe had a pretty good thing going for it. They were top dog on their side of campus. It was starting to get kind of crowded though, and the Euro-Bros needed to find some more places to rage. When the housing lottery came about, one brave bro named Columbus decided to live in the new America Residence Hall. Columbus soon came back to report that America was great, because unlike the European Frat house, this dorm didn’t already have piss over everything. Soon, tons of Euro-Bros were living in America.
For the people already living in America, this wasn’t great. The Euro-Bros drove them out of their rooms with their constant partying and vandalism. Syphilis was everywhere. These Native Americans had no choice but to keep moving to the western part of the dorm, forced out by the Euro-Bro’s literal Trail of Beers.
300 Spartans Stop Campus Police From Breaking Up Their Greek Toga Party
It was the single biggest and greatest toga party of all time. This rager of Olympian proportions was in jeopardy of being shut down by campus police, which was bullshit because for once giving alcohol to minors was thankfully the Greek’s only underage violation. Legions of campus police officers approached the site of the party. Lead by Officer Xerxes (know as Officer Jerkxes by the more clever of the Greeks, and as Officer Douche-Face by the less clever and more vulgar Greeks,) they were determined to put a stop to the fun.
300 brave Spartans decided to put it all on the line to stop the advance so that the party could go ‘til dawn. Their leader Leonidas screamed “Tonight, we party in hell” They were able to delay the horde of officers long enough for the party to reach legendary status. All 300 of the Spartans were written up for serious disciplinary violations, and their sacrifice will never be forgotten.
The Discovery of Bonfires
Cavemen Oog and Moog were headed back to their cave after a particularly wild party celebrating the Cro-Magnon victory over the Neanderthals. On the way, Oog became distracted by some sticks lying on the side of the path, and began to rub them together when suddenly – fire!
Oog and Moog instantly saw the potential in their invention. They began to throw dorm furniture into it. Once they ran out of stuff to burn, they settled down, as Mook rhythmically beat some rocks together while Oof sang Wonderwall. When they were ready to go to bed, they peed on the fire to put it out, and walked back to their caves, knowing that they had changed history.