Time-Outs and No Recess Expected
Seen Not Heard Dept.
(ROOT DORM) Scandal erupted this week when Campus Police cracked down on violations of school policy committed by students of the Clinton Early Learning Center located in Root Dormitory.
“We we’re stunned at the amount of debauchery that goes on at the preschool,” said director of Campus safety Fran Manfredo. “There was more vandalism than I’ve seen all year in Milbank, and almost as many people sleeping in their own filth as there are in Dunham.”
Susie Smith was expelled after she was found to have violated the Hamilton honor code.
“They were supposed to be working in their Dora the Explorer coloring books,” Jeanette Jones, a teacher at the preschool, said “but I repeatedly saw Susie looking at Cathy’s picture to copy her coloring. It makes me sick.”
Susie tried to fight the charges by calling Mrs. Jones “a tattle-tail,” but was unsuccessful.
Schoolyard bully Roger Cranstein was found to have pushed Johnny Mose for allegedly stealing his toy truck. Sam Chan got 3 points for continuing naptime through a fire alarm, and Joe Franklin sexually harassed one of his fellow students by saying she had cooties. Debbie Andrews started more controversy when she made a wallet during arts and crafts.
Many were wondering where the bad influences came from. “They didn’t get it from us,” said Mark Davidson ’13, a resident of Root Dorm. “It sounds like they were just kids having fun, which as a sub-free resident, I’m strongly opposed to.”
When asked why he thought there was such a sudden surge in offenses committed by the preschoolers, spokesman John Nitterman commented, “I don’t have a fucking clue. I hate kids. Seeing what douchebags you guys are prompted me to get a vasectomy. God forbid I make more of you.”