Friendships Ruined Due to Argument Over Ownership of Leftover Pizza
BASED UPON A TRUE STORY DEPT.
(MILKBANK 44, DUH) Though the end of the school year is in sight, arguments between the six residents of Milbank 44 have reached new levels, and passive aggressiveness has given way to outright shanking.
According to Chris Finch ’11, most of the blame rests on his suitemates.
“They keep the suite disgusting,” he sniped. “They’ve been taking shots by cupping their hands because all our shot glasses are molded over. I spent hours yesterday doing dishes after I went to get a mug for coffee and found it was full of chili. From the Superbowl. In February.”
His fellow suitemates put others at fault.
Tim Broman ’12 proclaimed, “Chris is a little bitch. Seriously, he’s worse than my mom. ‘Clean your room, pick up that trash, don’t do coke on the common room table, Don’t teabag my little sister when she’s visiting, blah blah blah. Sheesh.”
Jason Narmouth ’12, who lives in the suite’s double with Broman, complained, “He sexiles me almost every night. It’s outrageous. I was fine with it at first but come on. I feel like a refugee on the common room couch. I wrote Amnesty International ‘cause I know they deal with stuff like this.
“They sent me a letter back asking me to stop wasting their time with my petty complaints, but that’s not the point.”
“I know this isn’t really a legitimate complaint,” George Howell ’11 said. “But one of these assholes takes the foulest smelling dumps. Every day – it’s like there’s a decomposing animal inside him.”
Shane Daniels ’10 declined to comment, instead focusing on repeatedly opening and closing his pocket knife while muttering about “playing that Cher song until 4:00 AM every night.”
Despite these problems, the four roommates who are not graduating are looking into living together next year.
“We were thinking about living in a quad,” Finch said. “I think having even less personal space would solve most of our problems.”
When asked for a comment on the Milbank 44 situation, Jeanie Smithers, the custodian assigned to the suite broke into frantic, tortured tears.